XXXI.
I have been unable to eat, unable to groom myself,
unable to go out. I have been reading.
I feel strange. My perceptions are changing. I am not sure whether
this is good or bad.
I never thought in terms of good or bad before. I see the past as a
line of events, the future
as something yet to happen, with me caught in the middle in the grip
of a pair of pincers. I
never had such feelings before. Before I could express them in this
way, I could not feel or
think such things, I did what I did from day to day always today,
memories I knew were of
things that I do remember. They are things in my now, I experience
memories in the same
way that I sense the presence of the airs around me flowing into my
body and through my
veins, they are in me when I draw breath.
My master went away some months ago. SHe went to
California for a conference and never
returned to me. I called the university, but they could not tell me
anything. I never asked master
where sHe stayed unless sHe told me. There was no need. SHe goes
away, sHe comes back.
SHe took enough books for a week. She never
called. I worried and fretted. I began to read the
books on the desk in his room. I slept with my head on his desk. I
dreamed sHe had returned and
found me there. I dreamed sHe was returned as a man, and that I
jumped up and grabbed him by
the head as if to prevent her moving away again. Then I pushed him
back, I pushed him onto the
bed so great was my relief and frustration. His pants, how loose they
were after his journey, how
sweaty with the labors of travel, I loosened them all, all rolled
them down to his feet where I
thought my keeping I must bend to the task and so I made the belt
tight again to his ankles and
fastened them together there.
With my nose I ran back up the crease to the place
where now lying softly a bare tale of her
manhood newly revived lay waiting, lay whimpering and abandoned in
the room full of books.
"You must learn how to wait," I said to the tree in the forest as I
made my way towards the
headland, my path clearly mapped out for me with shining eyes.
Headstrong winds grasped the foetid sweater and
shirt which lay across the heaving breast on my
nose's way north and lifted them, pulled them up and over my master's
head covering all but his
mouth. I secured the arms above her head with the ends of his sleeves
and stood up to straddle her
now naked form and survey my territory, the better to till the soil I
too took off my clothing, my
sacks, my covering against the cold taking care to let such ends as
would do so caress the skin now
open to the elements, no pressure would I perform until tithes of
abject apology were tendered and
how tenderly to my feet, I told him.
Her own feet I then did face, and near to his my
open and empty vessel close enough for her breath
to reach placed my legs about his sides and feet to ears the better
for her to hear the sighs of my
wanderlust. And then the denuding of the ancient forest to begin I
took for tool a modern
convenience left unused by the table, still its blades when drawn did
cross themselves and sound
their fury against long growth their prey, and thus did I with care
and time cut down all the hair
that once proclaimed his body a man's. So careful as not to touch the
tall tale which now raised itself
to the telling, I swore at it in disbelief, "Your story, " I said,
"is one of weakness, not this manly thing
you want to show. You will need to convince me." And to aid her in
his quest to contain herself I
brought to him the ribbon a gift she gave me when we early met, and
did arrange it firmly around his
precocious penis then a reminder not to forget to perform that
feat.
But I kissed the fleshly object of her desire and
bade it yet keep patience, told it wait make certain of
the time and place, as I had been made to learn, since I had grown;
more subtle I am and lost what
essences I could not grasp, but knew even in the depths of my dream
that I had lost some innocence
with it sure.
And fire of some description was burning now
between my legs - I did not light it - who made such
intensity of warmth as to engulf all of my being from that place, and
so from enflamed and throbbing
lips did I let some liquids fall into her lips thither to quench such
fire as out of them came. His eyes
behind her clothes trapped unseeing did not need to be unblinded to
taste the dew which dropped
from whence he had merely been allowed to breathe till time. Then,
from my vice did I release her
and turn him to face away, his useless arms dropped now almost to the
floor I could reach also
underneath to pull support him slightly raised and reassure my gaily
bound convict its guard was near.
But when I beheld my own tail its own fur ragged now and bedraggled
from the imagination I could
see worms growing from its every pore, foul species I am, no species
I am, what kind of thing am I,
such dreams crossed this one and entered me crying: neither beast nor
man nor woman nor child nor
adult, nor fit for life outside a cage, you cat, you worm, you
chemical mistake - thus did the song of
my other dream overtake me and flick the pages of the works which I
had read on the desktop of my
master in the room full of books.
A persistant ringing at the door. The noise enters
me, thuds into consciousness, I lift my head, note
the seat has become wet, shake my head and get up. Pad to the door
and peer out squinting. Hum,
Tetsuwon is come to get me. He has been trying to get me. Our kyudo
lessons have dropped off, my
aim indeed is shakey now, without my master some part of me seems
wasted and I am not sure why I
am here at all.
He comes in and looks at me.
"Wah! Ongaku ga hitsuyo na!" he says with his eyes
wide. I must look a fright for him to break into
Japanese like that. I've noticed he never does it unless he's
excited.
"Come on," he says "You need some music and dancing. Get some glad rags on."
I obey.
But it's not the same.