XVI.
In those days I just followed my nose and I didn't get far. It was my
mother who escaped us all, after all. I might have stayed in the one
place if master hadn't taken me in. I had habits of following and no
ideas of my own, none that I remember.
Anyway I followed another person. I think it was that time I began
noticing other men's reactions to me. My companion noticed too, but he
pretended not to understand. Sometimes he got angry at me because I did
not think of the future, I did not know how to plan ahead, I made many
mistakes. So I began learning human things.
I will write the story of our journeys. The story will tell of some men
he made friends with and brought to our rooms. I would roll about on the
floor and they would pounce on me, come down on me, grab me and pin me
down, tie me up with string and laugh when I struggled. They always
ended up fucking me, or me them, while my friend watched. I thought this
was part of what happened at parties, and anyway, rolling and tumbling
has always aroused me, so I did not dislike this type of fun he made.
But one day he became quite angry over something and told me suddenly
that he had got money from those friends, but he had not told me this
before. He said he could never love or respect a thing with a tail, or
any thing that men kept looking at all the time, any thing that was so
open to any person's touch. He didn't touch me then, but a pain came
into my stomach. I was always thinking that he was bringing friends to
me for playing and we were sharing our bodies. I was happy and his
friends were happy and I was being a partner for his watching. I did not
know that he hated me for it. I noticed then that actions and words can
be different from what people are really thinking. It made my stomach
hurt, which is strange another part of my body in the middle.
He went away, left me in the room and I waited. I waited for two days
until the pain became very bad and I started vomiting. Also, I began
crying. It was very upsetting as water had not come out of my eyes
before that, and I did not know what to do. I cried so hard that my
stomach turned inside out and little bits of liquid and the dried
biscuits I was eating came out again in dribbles.
I got better though, and I think it was good to have such a thing happen,
because it made me know that I am a human as well, I can get pain from
emotions.
But a bad thing is that I can never believe words are real things
anymore. It reminds me of the lines fireflies make in the air in the
dark. They look pretty of course, but you can't catch them.