XIV.
As a matter of fact, what master doesn't know is
that I am writing a story.
Of course it is autobiographical which means it is about myself,
which is
after all my favorite subject. Also, it can't be a 'pillow book'
because it's
about what happened in the past, not just last night or yesterday or
now,
what I usually write about. And it's in no particular order just I
write things
when I get a memory. If I think about my mind, I don't know where
my
memories start or finish, so I have to write it that way, especially
since
anything will start me remembering something else, which is one
reason
I keep the mirror next to the computer.
My face is inspiring. Apart from getting me
remembering things, it is also
very attractive to me. It makes me envious of other bodies, my
master's in
particular. SHe has free access to my face whenever sHe wants, sHe is
able
to experience the sensation of my mouth, sHe can put a face on mine
and feel
through the skin sHe owns the contours soft and boney belonging to
me. I look
in the mirror and raise my fingers to my face and watch them tracing
every line,
rubbing the lips of my mouth to fold them back against perfect uneven
bits of bone
sticking out from tight pink wet sleeves and between these little
hard fences a flat muscled
worm emerges to curl over my finger slimey finger hard teeth firm
tongue soft lips suck my
hand all over then fingers can feel inside my mouth under the tongue
blue and smooth, it feels
blue and smooth to my touch.
What bothers me, frustrates me I suppose is that I
cannot put my own
lips to my own face, I cannot rub my own nose against my own
nose,
its inner gristle under a layer of skin making a chisel of my face, I
must
cut the air as I move, I want to lay my nose against that form that
texture
I want to poke at my own cheek with the tip of my nose.
But the glass of the mirror is resisting me. It is cool, hard, dry,
flat, I breathe
on it haaaah and my features blur into patches pale and dark, my face
can
only get near a flat reflection of my own face, and because of my
eyes,
my fingers never learnt to see properly.
What a pain in the ass.