I.
The master has gone out, so I am writing this.
Master tells me to do things and I usually obey,
like taking my clothes off ever so slowly in front of the mirror, or
sticking my haunches up in
the air with my legs as wide open as they can go, but that doesn't
always mean that I want
master to actually see what I'm doing. I will delete this message
from master's computer when
I am finished here because there are some things that I would like to
keep to myself. I will of
course tell the master that I have done what master has suggested. I
cannot keep saying 'master'
like this, but master does not appear to be either male or female, so
I am thinking I will refer to
master as sHe sometimes. Variety is one thing that sHe likes and that
is a good reason to change
some words occasionally.
I don't know why sHe recommended this place to
write my thoughts down.
SHe wants me to look at these notes about a lot of names I have never
heard of.
I don't like reading. I like listening to music though. I have lots
of discs, and their words
they comfort me. Stay in my head and play it once more, play it over
and over my life
a song with silver bells and cockle shells. Every of my steps part of
a very big dance
which does not start or stop. The master has lots of books and gets
exasperated sometimes
because I won't read even though sHe tells me to. I think it might be
a good idea, but I don't
usually feel like it, and if I read even one page I feel sleepy. The
only book I open a lot is the dictionary.
It's got words in little sections with short stories about what the
words mean in many places. I try to learn
a new word every day.
Master thinks I should improve my mind or
something. SHe pins up xeroxes on the wall so I have to look
at them. That's okay, sHe can do what sHe likes. Yesterday, this one
went up, wait on a sec,
I'll go and memorise it, I have a good memory --
no, no, I'll tear it off the wall instead --
it goes rRIiiP!
Here:
"Untroubled, scornful, outrageous -
that is how wisdom wants us to be:
she is a woman and never loves anyone but a warrior."
Oh, sHe probably thinks sHe is a warrior - sHe is
out now,
righting wrongs, hah hah I have to laugh. I roll it into a ball,
it's about the size of a ping pong ball - Ping! Pong! Oh really,
it bounces off the wall quite nicely. There'll be another one
stuck up tomorrow,yeah.
I pad around this hot big cell, I sometimes look
out the window. It's not really a cell, it's an apartment here
in rotting New York city, this place stinks. Anyway, I call it a cell
when I'm in this kind of mood. Master
keeps me imprisoned here. Not against my will. I mean, the door is
locked from the inside so I can get out
if I want to. But if I go out, I have to put on clothes, I have to
cover myself. It's bad enough as it is going out because all around
me I can smell it,
people reeking of desire.
For me, it's overpowering.
My own wrist, I'll put it up to my nostril now and
it's really musty.
If I rub it gently against my cheek I can smell myself real bad,
but at least my own smells are delicious.
Other people outside, they smell me and get an erection,
but I can't stand it. Their smells are of rotting meat and
fly blown fruit. And the looks are like pin pricks every one,
so after a while I begin to want to go somewhere quiet and
dark.
I want to shout out at them, you can't always get what you want.
But I try sometimes, just the same.
Well, yes, I have slits in all the right places,
and I have explored them all.
My body is proportioned exactly as I'd choose if I was a woman - like
a lot
of the young sassies I see on the street and in cafes, which I love
to go to
when master says I should. They have long legs and small hips and
slightly
bulging tummies. I run my hands over their curves in my imagination,
and
just like my own hips and belly they are firm and soft at the same
time.
I am drawn especially to their tits, and I sort of know that the
shape of my
hand cupped like this will carry their weight - and my mouth, large
and
slippery will fit nicely over their nipples which I would like to
suck.
The problem is that I cannot reach my own nipples
to try out this sensation
on myself. And master says, and I agree, that if sex is all you want,
sex is all
you'll get. So a lot of the time, I stay home, now, because I want
more.
Anyway, I happen to have a thick boney tail as
well. Luckily, it is long enough
and flexible enough to slide between my thighs. As usual, women are
fascinated
by this and want only to touch it, but so many people are sexually
motivated
by my appearance that I get tired of this sort of attention. Master
says it's
the way I walk. So I walk in front of the mirror and try to see what
sHe means,
but it doesn't work. I mean, I can't tell anything from that. As for
sex itself,
nowadays I am happy to enjoy my own company.
The master would like to eat me all up I suppose
because sHe has some stupid
joke about the eat-a-puss complex that I have to hear, and sHe's
always talking
about cooking and swallowing things and digesting stuff.
Shit, I forgot my own dinner sitting writing this.
Master says that I am like a prisoner of my own
physicality.
I think I know what sHe means, it's like I am built this way
and I can't turn it off, but if I take myself out of the
apartment
I am treated the same way as if I was a cripple. You know,
some people try not to stare, some pretend not to notice,
but I can smell them, I can feel their heat, and sometimes
they feel hostile too. Like the elephant man in the movie
I have to cover myself up to go places. At least writing at
people using a computer, I don't have to worry about that
so much. Here I can sit with my own bare body for company,
I can run my hands over it, pull my tail and stick the end in my
mouth and tickle myself with it, smell these deep rich aromas,
see
the swellings and translucent colours of my skin and fur. But still I
need
some others to talk to, to tell my adventures to. Or about what I
heard and saw and felt and smelt and tasted
and thought while dancing.
Oh but, I have to admit that a few months ago some
while after master
brought this computer home, I bought a camera so I could send
photos
to my friends. I had such a lot of fun taking photos of the places
between
my legs which I never get to see so well, I used up all the memory
really
quickly. Then I put one of them on the computer screen as a
background
pattern. Master thought that was really good, and now sHe's thinking
of
putting some of them on a web page. As long as sHe doesn't write
our
address there too, I don't mind what sHe does. Some people follow
me
home occasionally. I don't have room here to take care of all the
lost souls
in the world, even if they are just trying to be friendly.